Category: Stress

Teach your children well

jilrobLeave a comment

The public conversation has been a swirl of questions since the unspeakable mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut last week. How can we prevent these kinds of events? What does mental illness have to do with it? Can we control it by banning certain weapons? How will these child survivors handle it? How can we best protect our children?

Kids_0003We could buy our children bulletproof backpacks, as many parents are apparently doing in the aftermath. Or we can teach them lifelong skills that will not only build resilience for dealing with stressful events, but perhaps help schools and communities become environments where young people will not feel isolated, marginalized and desperate.

The American Psychological Association has tips for parents on how to help children build resilience. Their suggestions include things like “make connections”, “teach self-care”, and “nurture a positive self-view”. This is great advice, but a little vague. Even if a few parents look at the APA web site, how many have the skills to implement the ideas? Children, teachers and communities would be better-served by school-based programs:

  • Mindfulness programs in school. Congressman Tim Ryan of Ohio was so affected by a mindfulness retreat he experienced a few years ago that he wrote a book about it (A Mindful Nation) and worked to get funding for “Skills for Life”, a social and emotional learning program, in Youngstown, OH schools. Teachers receive training, which helps them with their personal stressors, and then they bring the program into the classroom. The children have responded enthusiastically, teachers have found that their classes are better-behaved, and academic performance has even improved. Goldie Hawn, through her Hawn Foundation, has supported a similar program called “MindUP” in the Miami-Dade schools. The program helps develop emotional resilience skills, as well as “helping children function in their environments in a more mindful and less stressful way”.
  • “Teaching Tolerance”, a program of The Southern Poverty Law Center which aims to foster “school environments that are inclusive and nurturing”. They have developed many anti-bias education resources, including teaching kits, curricula and professional development programs. While their program was initially focused on building tolerance for people of different races and ethnicities, it is applicable to fostering acceptance for children with any kind of differences. One of their initiatives is the “Mix It Up at Lunch Day” which has been held every November since 2002. On that day, kids are encouraged to sit with someone new, someone outside of their “group”, at lunch. These kind of interactions help reduce bias and misconceptions about others.Hand Reaching
  • Compassion training. Dr. James R. Doty, Director and Founder of Project Compassion and Clinical Professor of Neurosurgery at Stanford University, has written, “Why, in a country that consumes 25% of the world’s resources (the U.S.), is there an epidemic of loneliness, depression, and anxiety…Our poverty in the West is not that of the wallet but rather that of social connectedness.” Neuroscience research, at Stanford and elsewhere, has shown that people can train themselves to be more compassionate and to feel greater empathy. This is vital for all of us to cultivate, no matter how old we are. As long as people do not feel connected to each other, it is too easy to forget about the people on the margins.

Will we ever eliminate all acts of violence? Probably not. But I would argue that time and money spent on building mindfulness, peace and compassion in schools are equally as important as resources for math and reading.  Thich Nhat Hanh has written, “A fresh way of being peace, of making peace, is needed…We rely on each other. Our children are relying on us in order for them to have a future.”

Need inspiration? Go outside.

jilrob3 Comments

If I told you there was an app for your phone that would help you be more creative, would you buy it? What if I told you that giving up your phone for a while might enhance your creativity? Is that as appealing?

A new study published this week shows that people performed 50% better on a test of creativity after spending four days in nature with no electronic devices. The researchers aren’t sure what exactly caused the gains in creativity — being in nature or giving up the devices, but there’s support for the idea that it’s both of those things.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

There’s something called “attentional restoration theory” that apparently relates to multi-tasking. Basically, multitasking requires a lot of executive functioning in the brain, which is kind of exhausting, and the theory is that being in a natural setting can replenish that functioning ability. Other studies have demonstrated that hiking can improve certain mental abilities.

The sad reality is that most of us don’t spend nearly as much time in nature as did previous generations. It’s true that we are not an agrarian society anymore, but it’s also a fact that recreation in nature has declined as time spent with electronics has increased. Yet there’s a lot of evidence that we crave what nature offers us.

Look at our holidays, both religious and secular. Many revolve around symbols of nature. Yes, those holidays originated during agrarian times, but the important thing is that we still celebrate them. So at Christmas, people bring trees into their homes; at the Jewish holiday of Sukkot, people build structures outside, decorated with leaves and branches, in which meals are eaten; at Thanksgiving, a cornucopia is often symbolic; and summer holidays are an occasion for picnicking.

Why are homes and apartments with views of woods and water more valuable? Why do we have houseplants? Why are landscape paintings so popular? Why do we take dozens of photos of sunsets? We are striving to bring the outside in and make that connection with nature.

At the same time, taking a break from 24/7 connection with devices is important too. I read yesterday that silent retreats have become hugely popular in recent years: places that offer solitude and a chance to look inward have waiting lists of people who crave some time in silence. The time spent alone in stillness can be an opportunity to find mental space, to discover things about themselves, to replenish the spirit.

That kind of mental space also nourishes creativity. Why is creativity important? Not only can it help you enhance your ability to reach your highest potential, it is also critically important to managing stress. People who are creative thinkers perceive potential stressors differently, and come up with more ways to cope with them. Creative people are more open to new experiences, so fear doesn’t get in the way of solving problems or achieving dreams. And people who are more creative are also more flexible, enabling them to adapt to new circumstances.

Did you ever get stuck on a problem at work or school, and decide to take a break and go for a walk? Did you find that during your walk you came up with an idea that might move you forward? Fresh air, sun light, and views of nature are food for the mind, body and spirit. As John Muir once wrote, “Keep close to Nature’s heart…and break clear away, once in a while, and climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean.”

Shouldn’t “holiday stress” be an oxymoron?

jilrobLeave a comment

The emails are starting to arrive. “Holidays Stressing You Out?” says one. “Staying Healthy During the Holidays“, with managing stress as the first topic, reads another. What’s wrong with this picture? The word holiday suggests festivity, recreation, and a vacation mentality. The word stress suggests discomfort, a lack of balance, perhaps even unhappiness. These two words do not belong together.shiny tree

Someone once suggested to me that managing stress is all about managing expectations. While I don’t agree with that 100%, I do think it applies to holiday stress. Much of the stress around holidays comes from what might be considered unreasonable or unnecessary expectations:

  • The expectations we have about  spending time with family and friends.
  • The expectation that we have to give gifts to a specified list of people, and/or the expectation that  we have to spend a certain amount of money.
  • The expectation that we will eat and drink too much.
  • The expectation that we will hold on to traditions, even ones that aren’t serving us anymore.

Another way of putting this?  Too many shoulds, musts, oughts, have tos.

Tips for managing holiday stress are useful, but only as a second step. Like any kind of stress, managing stress around holidays has to start with values clarification, with doing some of the inner work.One of my yoga teachers has observed that for many of us, the default is to do as much as we possibly can, without asking ourselves if it is appropriate, or if we are suffering because of it.

What is values clarification? It could start with questions such as these:

  • What is most meaningful to me about this holiday?
  • What are the things or activities that bring me joy? Which cause me or others to suffer?
  • What do I need in order to be most fully present for the people I love?

When we do this kind of inquiry, we might be able to change our interaction with the holiday for the better. But like coping with any stress, that can’t happen unless we’re willing to make changes, and even rock the boat a little. Doing all the same things in the same old way won’t lead to any significant improvement.

Advice from healthfinder.gov
Advice from healthfinder.gov

Once you’ve clarified what’s important to you, and what is going to bring the most happiness to you and those you love, that’s the time to turn to techniques like the planning calendar, keeping up your exercise, and drinking more water. If you start with those things, without stopping to examine your values, you’ll find yourself returning to the default — just using prioritizing and planning as a way to cram more into each day. Even if one of those things you eke out time for is “relaxing”, it might not be as beneficial as it could be if you knew you were living each day in alignment with what’s truly important to you.

Can you wake up each morning during the holiday season knowing that the day will bring you something good? I know of someone who takes a moment before getting out of bed each morning to remember something positive about the day before, and something joyful to look forward to in the day ahead. Stress hormones are typically at a cyclical peak when we first wake up in the morning — so you could do yourself a lot of good by starting each day with a smile instead of a feeling of dread. That’s easier if you’re clear on what you value.

Let’s make “holiday stress” a thing of the past.

Half full or half empty

jilrob1 Comment

Perspective. It’s what makes the difference between coping well with misfortune, or falling apart. It determines whether we’re happy with what we have, or always wanting something more. It can turn an event into a huge stressor or a minor bump in the road.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, perspective is everything.

The hurricane barely affected me – a cancelled flight and a messy yard. But the devastation and loss elsewhere is on a scale that is almost overwhelming. Yet, even some of the hardest hit people are able to put their situations in perspective, like the man I saw quoted in the newspaper who had no power and was waiting in a gas line, but was grateful that he didn’t lose anything more; or the people who lost their homes and all their possessions, but were happy they didn’t lose their lives or their families.

It’s the meaning we give to events that makes them more or less stressful to us. Our ability to reframe a situation, to view it more positively, is affected by our personality type, by overall wellness, and often, by something called “hardiness”.

The term hardiness, and the idea of a “hardy” personality, came out of research done back in the 1980s with the breakup of the Bell Telephone companies. Dr. Salvatore Maddi did a long-term study of telephone company employees to find out how they dealt with the stress of job loss or change. What he found was that hardiness was a determinant of how resilient people were in the face of stress, whether they were able not just to survive, but to thrive.

The people he designated as “hardy” had three important beliefs that helped them during adversity: an attitude of commitment that drove them to be involved in events rather than isolated; an attitude of control, which helped them work to influence the outcome of events, instead of passively accepting them; and an attitude of challenge which motivated them to look at the unexpected changes as an opportunity to learn.

So when we see neighbors helping each other after the storm, we are witnessing a form of commitment. When we see people taking out their own chain saws and cutting up downed trees, opening up fire hydrants for water, or walking miles to work, we see them taking control of the outcome. And when we see people hoisting water up to an 8th story window by ropes, cooking dinner on their outdoor grills, or huddling around a satellite TV truck to pick up a WiFi signal, we see that they are accepting the challenge of the situation and learning new ways to get the things they need.

We can’t forget, however, that some of the hardest-hit people did not come into this situation with a great deal of resilience or wellness. They were barely surviving as it was, because of economic uncertainty, poor health, or both. For them, and for people who suffered the most devastating losses, their emotional and physical reserves will be exhausted quickly. I’m gratified by how quickly power is being restored in some areas, but there are other places, and many people, who will need our help for a very long time.

The American Psychological Association has some guidelines on their web site for dealing with traumatic stress, such as after a disaster. Many of them come from the research on hardiness and resilience. The American Red Cross, in addition to providing for physical needs, also provides emotional assistance to people affected by the disaster. Please consider making a donation to them.

“Well, we all need someone we can lean on, And if you want it, well, you can lean on me.”   (Keith Richards, Let It Bleed)

An antidote to TMI

jilrob2 Comments

Do you know anyone who wants a more complicated life? Probably not. In spite of all our time-saving gadgets, and the ease of getting information, most people I talk to crave more simplicity in their lives.

We have at least two major magazines, over a thousand books, and almost 60 million search-engine hits that promise to help us simplify. We have smart-phone apps that promise to make it easy to find your friends, share your photos, keep track of calories and exercise better. Our new cars make it easier and safer to back up, change lanes and keep track of service. So why do we still feel so overwhelmed?

Some people think it has to do with information overload, multi-tasking and a sense of false urgency created by 24/7 access to news, email and texts. A recent Northwestern University study, however, showed that people felt “empowered and enthusiastic” about having so many sources of information at their fingertips. So what gives?

Maybe there are times when we want and need a lot of information, and having it makes us feel better. But there are also occasions when we really don’t want to know every detail, and we just want an easy way to make a decision. Each person is different in the amount and complexity of information they want, and when they want it.

A good example is food nutrition labeling. For some it is incredibly empowering to know the number of calories, and the specific percentages of each nutrient, in an item of food. For many, though, nutrition labels are confusing and don’t help them make better choices. Research on some restaurant labeling laws, in places such as New York City, has shown that most people do not change their ordering behavior even when calories are posted.

A lot of talk in prevention circles has been around “making the healthy choice the easy choice”. Bon Appetit Management, a food service company serving many colleges, may have just come one step closer to that goal. It is piloting its own “well-being” score that aims to cut through all the confusion around food labeling, and just make it simpler to tell the difference between one option and another on a menu.  It’s a simple arrow, with more or less green, depending on how healthy the item is.

Maybe sometimes all we want is a simple thumbs up or thumbs down. We can only hold limited information in our working memories at any given time. After that, our ability to integrate ideas and to reason well declines. Trying to juggle too much at one time taxes our brains and makes performance suffer. Maybe for some college students, this new food score will be an opportunity to give their brains a rest, at least at mealtime.

There will always be many important occasions when we need to know everything, when we need to sift through reams of information before making a decision. Sometimes, though, we can choose to give up the micro-management of the choice, and rely on a trusted source or our own instincts. Knowing the difference might take trial and error, but at least we’ll be taking baby steps toward that simpler life.

Life’s illusions

jilrob2 Comments

Oscar Wilde wrote, “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Are we really unable to be authentic when others can see who we are?

The word “authentic” is frequently associated with performance. The actress Annette Bening has said that “the actor is a perfect metaphor to get at that theme of ‘how do we find our authentic selves?’” She says that we all “perform ourselves…as a way of searching” for our voice.

What does it mean to be authentic? For a person, it is to be genuine, trustworthy and reliable; in other words, true to one’s self. But we see all the time the difficulty that people have in being true to their own character. From the presidential campaign to the creation of a Facebook page, many of us are constantly striving to create ourselves, or the illusion of our selves. What is real? What is false? If we don’t know ourselves, how can those around us know? How can they trust us?

Everyone is looking for real and “authentic” experiences. We look for them when we travel to a new place; when we buy products (“Coke. It’s the Real Thing”); and when we watch reality television (“Real Housewives”); yet it seems that the more we plug something as real, the less real it becomes.

In existentialism, authenticity is thought to be the extent to which a person is faithful to his or her own spirit or personality. Even in the face of external pressures, an authentic person maintains his own integrity. If a person is not living authentically, life will lose meaning, and there is the possibility of succumbing to boredom, anxiety and hopelessness. It’s the same thing as not living your values – and it often becomes a source of inner conflict and stress.

Children put on masks at Halloween, in part to try out different roles, to become something they dream to be. In adolescence, they try to solidify who they are; in fact, Erik Erikson said that the major task of adolescence is developing self-identity. But just because we supposedly know who we are as adults doesn’t mean that we always feel comfortable showing it to the world. The desire to be accepted, to attain professional success, or to avoid pain often forces us to wear masks.

The problem with wearing a mask is that it is uncomfortable over the long term, even suffocating. I think most of us want very much to be authentic, to be comfortable in our own skin and to be with others who are. We can all think of people in our lives with whom we are most at ease; and sometimes we are lucky enough to meet new people who make us feel that way too. Chances are that those people are living authentically – they are open, interested, and non-judgmental. You meet them at a party or a meeting, and go home with a glow from talking to them.

Can we each let go of our fear a little, and make more of our encounters authentic? Alanis Morissette has said that she felt liberated after she realized “that secrecy is actually to the detriment of my own peace of mind and self, and that I could still sustain my belief in privacy and be authentic and transparent at the same time.”

Masks are fun on Halloween and Mardi Gras, allowing us to be something we’re not. Enjoy the freedom of being just who you are the rest of the year.

Our essence

jilrob1 Comment

Do you consider yourself to be a spiritual person? Do you have only the vaguest idea of what that means? Does it matter?

Spirituality is one of those amorphous words that mean different things to different people. That’s part of why it’s a mistake to draw too many conclusions from the new religious affiliation study by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life. While the number of people who say they are not affiliated with any religion has grown to 20% of adults, 37% of those people say that they are spiritual; and even among those who do affiliate with a religion, many say they are “spiritual, but not religious”.

Spirituality is important for health, which is why it is one of the Six Dimensions of Wellness. Its role is to bring together the other dimensions by providing meaning and purpose to our lives. It is not enough to be physically, intellectually or socially healthy if there isn’t an overarching “world view” supplying significance to our actions. Herbert Benson, in his book, Timeless Healing, discusses the idea that humans might be the only species with a sense of our own mortality. If our brains were not wired to “harbor beliefs” that there is a deeper meaning to life, we could easily be overcome by dread and fear.

More and more research shows that people who are religious or spiritual are healthier and live longer than those who are not. The problem is that most studies are based on religion rather than that vague “spirituality” because it is easier to measure. So it’s somewhat unclear where the health benefits come from – the belief itself, the healthy behaviors required by some religions, or the social support that comes from belonging to the religious community?

Unlike religion, each of us can personally define spirituality. At its core, it is about feeling connected to something larger than ourselves. As we become more spiritual, we focus on others more than just ourselves, and move away from material things as a source of meaning. So how do you tell if and how you are spiritual? One good way is to ask yourself where you are and what you are doing when you have feelings of spirituality. In the Pew study, about 58% of people said that they have a deep connection with nature and the earth. For many, spirituality can be found most easily in nature.

What are your beliefs and values? Are you putting them into practice in your life? For many of us, stress results when there is conflict between our values and our actions. The Dalai Lama says, “I don’t see any difference between religious practice and daily life. One can do without religion, but not without spirituality.” He calls spirituality “the full blossoming of human values that is essential for the good of all.”

Other characteristics of a spiritual nature are compassion for others, having the capacity to love and to forgive, altruism, and the ability to experience joy. Even if you feel that you are lacking in one of these areas, they can all be developed and enhanced through practice. Whether it’s volunteering in your community or engaging in compassion meditation, there is a way to cultivate greater spiritual connection.

The root word of spirituality, spirit, comes from the Latin word for breath. A sense of spirituality may be as natural to us as breathing. We not only need it to live, we need it to live well.

Getting to someplace safe

jilrob1 Comment

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name

And they’re always glad you came.

The theme song from “Cheers” is the first thing that popped into my head when I started contemplating the idea of having a safe space. A place where “everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came,” appeals to me, and may have had something to do with the popularity of the show during the eleven years it aired on TV.

The studio where I practice yoga is called “Sacred Space”, but I often think of it as a “safe space” for that exact reason. Everyone there makes a point of learning, remembering and saying people’s names. It’s an incredibly simple, yet powerful, way to make people feel welcome and known. Well, of course, you might say, it’s a yoga studio; they’re going to make that effort. Unfortunately, my experience tells me that it is the exception rather than the norm.

What makes a place a safe space? The safety we seek could be physical, mental or emotional. For some, a safe space might simply be a place they feel protected from physical harm. For others, it’s the place where they feel comfortable enough to speak freely. Or it’s the place where they feel accepted and loved unconditionally, just as they are.

Once, when talking with a landscape designer, she told me that people don’t like to sit outdoors with their backs exposed. So she would plan a row of trees or shrubs behind a seating area. In the same way, we feel safe emotionally when we know that someone “has our backs”, supporting us, not leaving us exposed. Who has your back? Is it your family, a friend, a community? How does knowing you have backup change how you go through life?

Sometimes the safe space is where we go when we need to get away from our own negative emotions. The term “breathing room” often refers to a break, or respite, from work or other stressors that are weighing on us. Thich Nhat Hanh, however, recommends that people have an actual breathing room in their homes, a designated place to go when feeling overwhelmed by anger or other strong emotions. He writes, “That little room should be regarded as an Embassy of the Kingdom of Peace. It should be respected, and not violated by anger, shouting, or things like that. When a child is about to be shouted at, she can take refuge in that room. Neither the father nor the mother can shout at her anymore. She is safe within the grounds of the Embassy. Parents sometimes will need to take refuge in that room, also, to sit down, breathe, smile, and restore themselves. Therefore, that room is for the benefit of the whole family.”

A safe space is where people are valued, and have values in common. It’s the place where we are free of judging and being judged, the place where the masks come off and we can be our truest selves. It can be outdoors or indoors, a physical space or a room in our minds; it can be found in the covers of a book or the warmth of a hug, the darkness of a theatre or the stillness of a church, in a community of people or the solitude of nature.

Growth comes from leaving our comfort zones, but it shouldn’t mean leaving them behind for good. I don’t think growth would be possible if we didn’t know we could return to that part of the comfort zone that holds our safe space. When we fail, when we feel rejected, even when we’re just plain tired, we need a refuge. When we’re overwhelmed by life’s ups and downs, we need shelter. Where is your safe space?

Reading for a better life

jilrobLeave a comment

Reading for pleasure has always held a central place in my life, but I’ve long realized that it’s not so for everyone. In spite of the evidence however, reading does seem to be alive and well, at least in wonky Washington D.C. People packed the various tents at the National Book Festival this weekend, listening to authors read from their works and checking out resources to encourage reading, especially for kids.

According to the National Education Association, children who read regularly at home are more successful in school. Parents who want to give their kids that head start were out in full force at the festival, taking advantage of booths sponsored by PBS, Scholastic and other purveyors of kid fare.

Scholastic’s slogan for its global literacy campaign is “Read Every Day, Lead a Better Life,” a simple but profoundly true statement. Their research shows that kids who grow up in homes where there are lots of books tend to stay in school longer than children who don’t have that advantage. Plus, the more you read, the better reader you become, which has important implications for us as a society.

Proliteracy.org cites statistics that 43% of the people with the lowest literacy live in poverty. Low literacy also leads to increased health care costs, including a 50% increase in risk for hospitalization. Low literacy reduces our national productivity, and leads to lower civic engagement. While adult literacy programs are very important and effective, getting young children hooked on reading is really the key to turning those statistics around.

Every state was represented at the festival, promoting humanities and literacy, touting notable books about their states, and celebrating famous authors who hail from their states. Programs like “One Maryland, One Book 2012”, a statewide community reading program, were also on display.

When I visited, Sandra Cisneros was reading from her book in the Literature tent, while Douglas Brinkley was discussing his new biography of Walter Conkrite in another. Meanwhile, people were waiting in line outside the huge Barnes and Noble tent, just to get in so that they could buy books!

The great thing about reading is that it offers such a world of possibilities. We can learn about the lives of actual people, we can read fantasies about worlds that don’t exist, we can experience the rhythms of poetry, or we can enjoy the exploits of superheroes. There truly is something for everyone inside the cover of a book.

For me, reading is a distraction from stress, a journey into other lives, a source of ideas, and at times, pure joy. I read every day, and I think I have a better life because of it.